Page 1, panel 4: I didn't write a "that" in my script because I really think it's not needed here, but why not.
Page 4, panel 3: I'd say no, because: leaving "that" out sounds best with the most common verbs of speech or thought, such as "say," "think," "know," "claim," "hear," or "believe." - Source: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/omitting-%E2%80%9Cthat%E2%80%9D
Page 7, panel 4: hmm... No, it's really emphasized that she's MUCH too defenseless in Japanese. But I think I found a better translation anyway: "Isn't she way too defenseless...?"
Page 9, panel 2: yeah, that would sound much better (and she says neither soft nor hard in Japanese, she says that her chest is "kotsukotsu", which is the sound of knocking on wood, so I had to adapt a bit).
Page 10, panel 3: it actually is a comma (it's just that commas don't look very different from periods in that font and it's an all-caps font, it could be a good idea to use another font, though).
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