Pg. 5: Replace comma after Orin with ellipses (i.e. "Orin...)
To make it sound more natural, try replacing Satori's "...yes?" with "...what is it?"
Pg. 6: "I wonder if she dropped the doll while she was fighting" sound more natural.
Pg. 8: "and was made with such care" needs to be "and it was made with such care"
Third panel: Reword it to "If you ask for it later, I won't give it back"
Last panel: "It really doesn't look like Okuu" or "It really doesn't look a thing like Okuu"
Keep "I know, right?" but change the last bubble to, "That's why I don't think the doll is cute at all." Having two "at all" phrases is a little clunky.
Pg. 10: People don't normally say, "I'm really happy," so try changing it to something like, "I really love this doll" or "I really do love this doll" to make it sound more natural.
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