Page 5, panel 5:
>"You're already here so there doesn't seem there will be anything for me to do."
Change the first "there" to "it" and add in "like" in between "seem" and the second "there".
Page 6, panel 4:
>"Keep your reckless killing moderate, okay?"
This line would probably sound better if you replace "moderate" with "to a minimum". You may also want to consider changing Reimu's aside line as well ("It's fine if it's moderate?"), though I currently don't have any suggestions as to what it should be changed to.
Page 17, panel 2:
>"[...]I'll get free admission!"
Change "I'll" to "I'd".
Page 17, panel 3:
>"Oh my, there's no free admissions here."
Drop the last "s" from "admissions".
Page 20, panel 1:
>"I'm in the dumps... (Half is just a dream though)."
For the part that's in parentheses, add in "of that" in between "Half" and "is". Also consider changing the "is" to "was".
Page 20, panel 5:
>"Sakuya maybe she, in her own way, was thinking of you when she said that."
This should probably be changed to:
"Maybe Sakuya was, in her own way, thinking of you when she said that."
Page 23, panel 2:
>"But if that happened it's a bit troubling for me."
>"What happened?"
I'm kinda unsure about the context behind these two bubbles, so I'm not entirely sure about how to correct this. But for the first bubble, I'd suggest changing it to:
"But if that happened, it'd be a bit troubling for me."
As for the second bubble, I suggest adding in "If" right before "what".
Page 23, panel 6:
>"I wasn't really dumped, and I didn't proposed either."
Drop the "d" from "proposed".
Page 24, panel 3:
>"Are you a kid!"
Consider either adding a question mark after the exclamation mark, or replacing the exclamation mark altogether with a question mark.
Page 24, panel 4:
There is some untranslated text next to Meiling.
Page 25, panel 1:
>"What kind of dream you saw now?"
This would be better as:
"What kind of dream did you see now?"
Page 27, panel 2:
>"Mistress is on the room on the right just above the stairs down the hall."
Change the first "on" to "in".
Page 27, panel 4:
>"Because of difference of powers?"
Add an "a" in between the first "of" and "difference". I'd also suggest changing the last two words to "in power", in order to match up with one of Reimu's lines two pages later.
Page 29, panel 3:
>"[...]I would be down before even becoming just how I'm right now."
I'm not sure how to go about fixing this line without making it sound even more awkward, but my best suggestion would be to change everything after "becoming" to "the way I am right now."
Page 33, panel 2:
>"That now was..."
Consider removing the "now" from this line.
Page 35, panel 3 and page 36, panel 2:
Change "onee-sama" to "Sister".
Page 39, panel 5 and page 40, panel 1:
I'd suggest changing "imouto-sama" to "young mistress".
Page 40, panel 2:
>"They may ask me to help in preparations."
Change "in" to "with the".
