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File: 1419499432633.jpg -(1845042 B, 1408x2000) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
1845042 No.58752  

And here is my Christmas gift to you.


>> No.58753  
File: 1419499725335.txt.unknown -(27246 B, 0x0) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

Here the script please qc and edit.

Now all the volume are finish, around 3 1/2 month)

link to other volume for easy finding.
Naganakidori - first part

Naganakidori - later part

MOON RIVER - Naganakidori Bouhen 1

>> No.60487  

As the first volume already edited. So I bump for QC.

And if everything going as plan, you can look forward to QC another DELI-TRE doujin (hint another historic) soon.

>> No.60494  

finally I have more time now, so I will start editing this. Thanks to the translators for their hard work!

>> No.60511  
File: 1491113373157.txt.unknown -(28784 B, 0x0) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

Okay, I somehow managed to get through this. It could use some review, though. Especially the afterword.

>> No.60516  

Sorry doing translation on Yamame doujin so it's a bit late. What I found.


  •    : a beautiful celestial suddenly appeared.

Kaguya is not a celestial, 絶世の美人 mean "woman of unmatched beauty",
"celestial beauty" is a very beautiful woman as if she is a goddess or heavenly maidens.

*Fuhito : I don't care about the woman. What I want

  •    : is her relation to the moon.

Correction : he don't specific so it's woman in general, so it should be like
Fuhito : I don't care about woman. What I want

: is the relation/connection with the moon.

Keine : Don't tell me...... My fabrication of that branch failed

    : and Princess Kaguya saw through it? That's...

It's more like "Don't tell me...... My fabrication of that branch failed or maybe Princess Kaguya saw through it? That's...


  •    : Earth is a game board of life, meant to kill time.

Just note : Original use "life game" (Katakana next to Kanji)


  •    : And I don't think she was ever a blood relative to begin with. She's a daughter born from a lousy, lowly maidservant. How convenient.

Isn' it : I don't think she was even
/ it's convenient because in this doujin Mokou's mother is not noble, having daughter who do nothing positive (and may do negative instead) to his status like marry off to other noble for politic, so he want to hid or get rid of Mokou anyway, now he can kill 2 bird with 1 stone.

Keine : Ah......

  •    : whether it's due to your appearance, or if it's because of the immortality elixir the Lunarians brought, you have been living alone all this time. 

correction : it's more like
Is it because you had to live alone all this time with such appearance? or because of the immortality elixir the Lunarians brought?


  •    : allowing the Heishi and Genji to gain power, even as it continued to decline.   

Is "even" necessary here?, as Fujiwara clan lose power, other come to replace it, it's natural cause effect not that Fujiwara clan oversight or something.

*Keine : Is there some power that moves this place, {ha*2}

  •    : so that anyone in a place like this...

correction it's more like
Keine : It's a places where some sort of power is at work <refer to bamboo forest of the lost>

: but for that person to be in a place like this...		<refer to Mokou>


  •    : so very much...

Is that correct? ( I know "thank you" is too short)

>> No.60519  
File: 1491358222967.txt.unknown -(28535 B, 0x0) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

Pg. 3.1
Changed to, "a woman of celestial beauty"

Pg. 3.5
Changed to, "Women don't concern me. What I want is her connection to the moon." It's a little different, but it should get the point across.

Pg. 6.3
Keine: Don't tell me.... My fabrication of that branch failed?
Or did Princess Kaguya see through it? That's...

Pg. 9.1
Fuhito: Earth is the board for a life game, meant to kill time.

Pg. 19.3+4
Keine: Is it because you had to live alone all this time with that appearance? Or is it because of the immortality elixir the Lunarians brought?
[I also changed the next box to, "But it's as if..." to help them flow together.]

Pg. 32.1
Removed the comma and the word "even."

Pg. 41.4
Keine: There is some power that moves this place,
but for that person to be somewhere like this...

Pg. 53.1
Yes, it's correct like that.

>> No.60548  

Thanks, your work is greatly appreciated.
Was a bit slow, about half way through now...

>> No.60608  

I'm done with the edit, finally.
What a nice story this was!
Please QC:

>> No.60614  

Pg. 5.1
Should be "quite a fortune" not "quit a fortune"

Pg. 9.1
"Statesmen" instead of "statesman"

Pg. 9.4
"Fall to earth" instead of "fell to earth"

Pg. 12.2
"And you dare talk back to me?!" instead of "And you dare talking back to me?!"

Pg. 13.2
Change to, "Though a trivial affair, it involved [...]"
Also, "Erasing the memories" instead of "Erasing the memory"

Pg. 14.1
Remove the comma after "those"

Pg. 16.1
Looking at it on the page, I think it would be better as:
Box: I erase more, I eat more,
Box: and my feelings grow numb.

Pg. 17.4
Remove the word "an" before "information"

Pg. 19.1
Change to, "[...] away, this is like"
Pg. 19.4
Can you parse it as, "immortal-ity"?

Pg. 29.1
Should be "bet-ween" instead of "be-tween"

Pg. 43.2
Change to "No matter how much I run,"

Pg. 60
Fifth paragraph: "a very significant person"

>> No.60636  

Thanks for spotting these many, no idea how I could've missed them.

Regarding Pg. 16.1, the original text uses ほど in a way which specifically means, 'the more i..., the more ...'. Trying to keep this meaning, I changed it to:
Box: The more I erase and eat,
Box: the more my feelings grow numb.

What do you think?
Here is the updated archive:

>> No.60642  

After reading this story over and over, there are a few points that I really don't feel comfortable with. Here are a few points I think need changing from the script I originally put, as well as just a few typos.

Pg. 5.2
This line's been bothering me for a while, but could you change Fuhito's part to, "Jeez, it cost quite the fortune, as well as labor!"
Pg. 5.3
This one's also been bothering me, but I think Keine is supposed to be saying, "I was confident" instead of "I'm assured."

Pg. 8.3
Fuhito: "And I thought if I won over the power of the Lunarian world, it would be easier to manipulate history."

Pg. 13.2
"existance" --> "existence"

Pg. 16.1
Remove the comma after "erase"

Pg. 18.2
Replace "Standing in my way" with "Standing right in front of me." or "Standing right before me."

Pg. 20.4
Rearrange to "That night---wouldn't it have been better"
"if I hadn't taken that person's hand?"

Pg. 32.5
Box: [change "the tranquility" to "that tranquility"]

Pg. 33.3
Keine: I wanted to become a fantasy, so I lived in secrecy.

Pg. 55.1
Mokou: I wonder what it will be like

Pg. 60, 8th paragraph
The final result was to reach for a nice rate like that.

>> No.60659  

Thanks, here is the updated archive

>> No.60676  

In pages 4 and 5, I would recommend changing "plantain" for "udonge", the classical (and Touhou-related) name of that tree.

In page 56: "sure was cool" -> "you sure were cool".
In page 58: "Keine's story" -> "your story"
Likewise, in page 61: "Keine" -> "you", in panels 1 and 2.

>> No.60677  

It's just my personal opinion, but when someone's name, I try to have it somewhere in the dialogue. In these cases, might I suggest:

Page 56.1 Remove "Keine" from the first bubble, and change the second bubble to "you sure were cool, Keine."

Pg. 58.2: Let me hear your story, Keine.

Pg 61.1: Then the tale that you wrote is "the boundary between fan-tasy and reality," so--
Pg. 61.2: would be you, right, Keine?

>> No.60680  

Yes, that's perfectly fine. I just don't like to keep the third-person dialogue from Japanese, as it feels awkward in English.

>> No.60683  

thanks for the additional suggestions, personally I actually prefer the feeling of "bulky" translations where this kind of indirect speech is preserved. But this is fine as well, here is the updated archive:

>> No.60697  

Okay, archived.

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